Lutheran Humor is back!

I haven’t done any Lutheran humor in a while, and I found this little ditty about Martin Luther.  It makes me think about those first readers that I read after I learned my first words, where the sentences build on the first words you learn.  But beware of the puns.

A Lutheran Primer

by Les “Gutenberg” Stahlke
In the Lutheran Comedy Classic: “Martin Luther’s Last Surviving Classmate”

Look!
Look and see!
See Luther run!
Run, Luther, run!
Luther ran!
Oh, oh!
It is raining!
It is pouring!
See the lightning!
Hear the thunder!
See Luther get scared!
See Luther hide under that big tree!
See Luther pray to St. Anne.
“If you save me,” prayed Luther, “I will become a monk, okay?”
“That’s okay with me,” said St. Anne, “but if you don’t get out from under
that tree, you will be a friar!”

Oh, oh!
See the lightning hit the tree!
See the tree get rent asunder!
“Ach! Yammer!” said Luther.
See Luther clearly define Law and Gospel.
See Luther go to a monastery.
See Luther learn that indulgences are wrong.
“Wholly unnecessary, Batman,” said Luther.
See Luther write 95 Theses.
See Luther nail the Theses to the church door.
See Luther bang his hammer.
Bang your hammer, Luther, bang your hammer.
See Luther bang the wrong nail. “Uff dah!” said Luther.

Oh, oh!
Now the Pope is mad.
See the Pope send Luther an angry letter.
It is a Papal Bull.
“That is a lot of bull,” said Luther.
See Luther barbecue the Pope’s Bull.
“You burned my Bull,” said the Pope.
Now you will have to go to a Diet of Worms.
(A Diet is a long synodical convention with no meals.)

Oh, oh!
See King Charles tell Luther to shut up.
“I can’t,” said Luther.
“Then recant,” said King Charles.
“I can’t recant,” said Luther.
“Then go start the Missouri Synod!” said King Charles.
“Oh, goody,” said Luther, “now I can get married.”
See Luther look for a wife.
See Luther find nun.
See Luther and Kitty get married.
See Kitty get morning sickness.
“What does this mean?” said Luther.
“We shall have a little Lutheran soon,” said Kitty.
“Is this true,” said Luther, “or are you just ribbing me?”
Kitty said, “This is most certainly true.”

St. Theresa’s Prayer (and a bit of family history on the side)

A long time ago in a galax….

Wait, wrong story.  A long time ago, part of my family was NOT Lutheran (I know, a shocker.)  But Catholic.  (I know, you’re gasping at this.)  Anyway, my great aunt Julia was baptized Catholic, and when she was born, she was given the St. Theresa medal.  Somehow, I inherited this necklace, which is really quite beautiful.  I came across this prayer which is attributed to St. Theresa.  I think the prayer is so calming and wonderful that I’d like to share it here.  (And by the way, I have nothing against Catholics, it’s just that I’ve posted so much Lutheran humor, that I thought you might find it amusing that my family was Catholic at one time.  Oh, and somehow my family became Lutheran during the time in between the birth of my great Aunt and my Grandmother, because my Grandmother was baptized Lutheran- go figure!)

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

What is your calling?

That is the question put forth from the new Bible study that I joined this week.

What is my calling?

I’ll get back to you when I have a clue.

A little prayer for all who dream…

For some reason, a bunch of my friends are trying to “discern” their futures right now, from my college roommate who is trying to figure out how she is going to live and work in both the United States and South Africa to another friend who is back in the dating scene.  So for everyone who is trying to figure out what God’s plan for them is, here is a poem I found for you and for me…

“A PRAYER FOR DREAMERS”

We pray for the dreamers of this life, O God,
for those persons who imagine new possibilities,
who long for what others cannot perceive,
who spin dreams of wonder and majesty in their minds.
Defend them from ridicule and harsh criticism,
from self-doubt and lack of faith in their dreams,
and from abandonment of this call to make things new.
Grant that from their dreams
may come forth blessings for humankind
to enrich the quality of life
and the wonderment of us all.
Amen.
—–Vienna Cobb Anderson  

The God Box

I don’t usually respond to e-mail forwards, but this one, which came from my friend Sarah, hit me right in the heart, because it was exactly what I needed to hear right now, so I’m going to share it with all of you!  Since it came from an e-mail I don’t know who the author is, but whoever wrote it…thanks.

To:  YOU
Date:  TODAY
From:  GOD
Subject:  YOURSELF
Reference:  LIFE

This is God.  Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.  I do Not need your help.  So, have a nice day.   I love you.. 

P.S.  And, remember…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!  Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.  I will get to it in MY TIME.  All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.  

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. 

Now, you have a nice day.

God

“I believe…”

When I hear those two words two very distinct and VERY different images run through my head.

1) The Apostles Creed, said in my church every Sunday (except when we say one of the other creeds.)  The Apostles Creed basically lays out what we, as Christians, believe in.  So when I hear “I believe,” I think of the things that I believe in my heart as a way for me to live my life.

Here is the version that the ELCA Lutherans use:

The Apostles’ Creed

I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

*or “he descended into hell,” another translation of this text in widespread use.

2) The second thing that I think of when I hear “I believe” is Larry the Cable Guy and the rest of the Blue Collar Comedy Gang.  Except that you have to say it a little bit different.  Say it “Ah-eye, bl-eve..” and follow it up with something like what Ron White said “[I believe] if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find someone who’s life has given them Vodka and have a party.”  (I love that one!!!)  To watch the full “I believe” here it is from youtube.

Okay, but what got me on the “I believe” tangent?  Well, I woke up extra early today (a Saturday) and was watching the Saturday Today Show on NBC, and they did a segment on the fact that in South Carolina, you can now buy a licence plate with a cross on the left side of it, and under the numbers it says “I believe.”  Now I want to share my faith with others, but I want to do it on a personal one-on -one level, not because I can show it off on my car.  (I also don’t have any decals on my car.)  I’m also thinking that I’m a hypocrite, because I had a yellow magnetic ribbon on the trunk of my car that said “Support our troops.”  Because I have family and friends in the military.  I guess I didn’t have any problem wanting to show my public support for the troops, but why don’t I want to show my faith???  To see the plate click here. 

Pennsylvania Politics

Either David Gergen or Paul Begala (Democratic strategists, I can’t remember which one) made a very interesting comment tonight on CNN that the longer this primary season for the Democrats goes on, the more likely it would be that whoever wins the nomination (Clinton or Obama), would have to pick the other for the Vice President in order to “heal the party.”  I don’t know if I agree with that comment, but I know that I am ready for the primaries to be over and for the general election campaign to begin.  I want to hear about the ISSUES!  Here is a list of 10 issues for the candidates that are important to me that I want answered (not in any particular order, and I’ve probably left some off.)

1) How are we going to get health care for everyone (like we have in the state of Massachusetts) and how is it going to be paid for?

2) What is the plan for obtaining a long lasting peace in the Middle East (from Iraq to Iran to Palestine and Israel and the Holy Lands, etc?)

3) What is the policy going to be for scientific research.  Including stem cell research, funding for new medications, funding for research on diseases?

4) What will the policy be on women’s reproductive rights? 

5) What will the policy be on the environment, especially renewable energy, and reducing the dependence on oil?

6) What will the policy be on reducing the number of people going hungry through out the world?

7) What will the policy be towards the nations that have massive debts, and have people suffering from hunger, poverty, HIV/AIDS, curable diseases, unclean drinking water, etc?

8 ) What will the policy be to bridge the gap between the classes in America?  How can bridges be built between the races, genders, economic statuses, etc?

9) What will the policy towards literacy for all children be?

And finally…..

10) Can we finally get a national anthem that is singable and really has a lot of meaning.  (I mean the War of 1812, come on?)  I’m suggesting “America the Beautiful.”  I know that it refers to God, but it really captures the spirit of America!

Rumor has it…

The rumor mill on this the 200th day that Ben has been deployed in Iraq, is that he is going to be able to come home for a week’s worth of vacation later this month.  That would be awesome to see him again.  I’ve been getting updates from his mom, Mary, his daughter Hailey (who at 6 1/2 is still so cute!) and from Ben’s girlfriend Lindsey.  So we had a LOT to celebrate at church this Easter.  Miss ya Ben.  Stay safe and come home soon!

Our Miracle!

It’s very rare that my Dad will call both my house and my cell, but he did today with the BEST of news, that was confirmed with a call to Florida, but after the most recent pet-scan, my cousin Gail has been declared “breast cancer-free!!!!!!!!!!!”  It truly is both a medical and a spiritual miracle.  I first wrote about Gail and her breast cancer in September and it’s been a long road (it’s not over yet, she still has radiation) but everything is looking really, really good.  I talked with Gail tonight and she’s sounding so upbeat and positive and the best thing I heard her say was that she never lost her faith through this whole thing.  AMEN!

“Why Jesus Is Better Than Santa Clause”

I’m having a very spiritual moment right now and the following fits my mood perfectly.  Straight from Mikey’s Funnies. 

WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUSE

Santa lives at the North Pole…
Jesus is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh…
Jesus rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year…
Jesus is an ever-present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies…
Jesus supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited…
Jesus stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa…
Jesus is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap…
Jesus lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn’t know your name, all he can say is “Hi little boy or girl, what’s
your name?”…
Jesus knew our name before we were born…
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too.
He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly…
Jesus has a heart full of love

Santa says, “You better not cry”…
Jesus says, “Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.”

Santa’s little helpers make toys…
Jesus makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes, and builds
mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but…
Jesus gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree…
Jesus became our gift and died on a tree…

AMEN