Lutheran Humor is back!

I haven’t done any Lutheran humor in a while, and I found this little ditty about Martin Luther.  It makes me think about those first readers that I read after I learned my first words, where the sentences build on the first words you learn.  But beware of the puns.

A Lutheran Primer

by Les “Gutenberg” Stahlke
In the Lutheran Comedy Classic: “Martin Luther’s Last Surviving Classmate”

Look!
Look and see!
See Luther run!
Run, Luther, run!
Luther ran!
Oh, oh!
It is raining!
It is pouring!
See the lightning!
Hear the thunder!
See Luther get scared!
See Luther hide under that big tree!
See Luther pray to St. Anne.
“If you save me,” prayed Luther, “I will become a monk, okay?”
“That’s okay with me,” said St. Anne, “but if you don’t get out from under
that tree, you will be a friar!”

Oh, oh!
See the lightning hit the tree!
See the tree get rent asunder!
“Ach! Yammer!” said Luther.
See Luther clearly define Law and Gospel.
See Luther go to a monastery.
See Luther learn that indulgences are wrong.
“Wholly unnecessary, Batman,” said Luther.
See Luther write 95 Theses.
See Luther nail the Theses to the church door.
See Luther bang his hammer.
Bang your hammer, Luther, bang your hammer.
See Luther bang the wrong nail. “Uff dah!” said Luther.

Oh, oh!
Now the Pope is mad.
See the Pope send Luther an angry letter.
It is a Papal Bull.
“That is a lot of bull,” said Luther.
See Luther barbecue the Pope’s Bull.
“You burned my Bull,” said the Pope.
Now you will have to go to a Diet of Worms.
(A Diet is a long synodical convention with no meals.)

Oh, oh!
See King Charles tell Luther to shut up.
“I can’t,” said Luther.
“Then recant,” said King Charles.
“I can’t recant,” said Luther.
“Then go start the Missouri Synod!” said King Charles.
“Oh, goody,” said Luther, “now I can get married.”
See Luther look for a wife.
See Luther find nun.
See Luther and Kitty get married.
See Kitty get morning sickness.
“What does this mean?” said Luther.
“We shall have a little Lutheran soon,” said Kitty.
“Is this true,” said Luther, “or are you just ribbing me?”
Kitty said, “This is most certainly true.”

St. Theresa’s Prayer (and a bit of family history on the side)

A long time ago in a galax….

Wait, wrong story.  A long time ago, part of my family was NOT Lutheran (I know, a shocker.)  But Catholic.  (I know, you’re gasping at this.)  Anyway, my great aunt Julia was baptized Catholic, and when she was born, she was given the St. Theresa medal.  Somehow, I inherited this necklace, which is really quite beautiful.  I came across this prayer which is attributed to St. Theresa.  I think the prayer is so calming and wonderful that I’d like to share it here.  (And by the way, I have nothing against Catholics, it’s just that I’ve posted so much Lutheran humor, that I thought you might find it amusing that my family was Catholic at one time.  Oh, and somehow my family became Lutheran during the time in between the birth of my great Aunt and my Grandmother, because my Grandmother was baptized Lutheran- go figure!)

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

“I believe…”

When I hear those two words two very distinct and VERY different images run through my head.

1) The Apostles Creed, said in my church every Sunday (except when we say one of the other creeds.)  The Apostles Creed basically lays out what we, as Christians, believe in.  So when I hear “I believe,” I think of the things that I believe in my heart as a way for me to live my life.

Here is the version that the ELCA Lutherans use:

The Apostles’ Creed

I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

*or “he descended into hell,” another translation of this text in widespread use.

2) The second thing that I think of when I hear “I believe” is Larry the Cable Guy and the rest of the Blue Collar Comedy Gang.  Except that you have to say it a little bit different.  Say it “Ah-eye, bl-eve..” and follow it up with something like what Ron White said “[I believe] if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find someone who’s life has given them Vodka and have a party.”  (I love that one!!!)  To watch the full “I believe” here it is from youtube.

Okay, but what got me on the “I believe” tangent?  Well, I woke up extra early today (a Saturday) and was watching the Saturday Today Show on NBC, and they did a segment on the fact that in South Carolina, you can now buy a licence plate with a cross on the left side of it, and under the numbers it says “I believe.”  Now I want to share my faith with others, but I want to do it on a personal one-on -one level, not because I can show it off on my car.  (I also don’t have any decals on my car.)  I’m also thinking that I’m a hypocrite, because I had a yellow magnetic ribbon on the trunk of my car that said “Support our troops.”  Because I have family and friends in the military.  I guess I didn’t have any problem wanting to show my public support for the troops, but why don’t I want to show my faith???  To see the plate click here. 

Lutheran Humor-Reformation Sunday

This coming Sunday (Sunday, October, 28, 2007) is Reformation Sunday.  For you non-Lutherans, it’s a big holiday Sunday where we wear red, usually confirm our teenagers and celebrate the fact that Martin Luther decided to rebel and posted his 95 thesis on the church door in Wittenburg, Germany.  In honor of Reformation Sunday, I found the following song at the Old Lutheran web site.  Enjoy!

The Reformation Polka
by Robert Gebel

[Sung to the tune of "Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious"]

When I was just ein junger Mann I studied canon law;
While Erfurt was a challenge, it was just to please my Pa.
Then came the storm, the lightning struck, I called upon Saint Anne,
I shaved my head, I took my vows, an Augustinian!  Oh…

Chorus:
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation
Speak your mind against them and face excommunication!
Nail your theses to the door, let’s start a Reformation!
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!

When Tetzel came near Wittenberg, St. Peter’s profits soared,
I wrote a little notice for the All Saints’ Bull’tin board:
“You cannot purchase merits, for we’re justified by grace!
Here’s 95 more reasons, Brother Tetzel, in your face!” Oh…

Chorus:
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation
Speak your mind against them and face excommunication!
Nail your theses to the door, let’s start a Reformation!
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!

They loved my tracts, adored my wit, all were exempleror;
The Pope, however, hauled me up before the Emperor.
“Are these your books?  Do you recant?” King Charles did demand,
“I will not change my Diet, Sir, God help me here I stand!” Oh…

Chorus:
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation -
Speak your mind against them and face excommunication!
Nail your theses to the door, let’s start a Reformation!
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!

Duke Frederick took the Wise approach, responding to my words,
By knighting “George” as hostage in the Kingdom of the Birds.
Use Brother Martin’s model if the languages you seek,
Stay locked inside a castle with your Hebrew and your Greek!  Oh…

Chorus:
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation -
Speak your mind against them and face excommunication!
Nail your theses to the door, let’s start a Reformation!
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!

Let’s raise our steins and Concord Books while gathered in this place,
And spread the word that ‘catholic’ is spelled with lower case;
The Word remains unfettered when the Spirit gets his chance,
So come on, Katy, drop your lute, and join us in our dance!  Oh…

Chorus:
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation -
Speak your mind against them and face excommunication!
Nail your theses to the door, let’s start a Reformation!
Papal bulls, indulgences, and transubstantiation!

Quiz- What denomination are you?

This is so cool.  There is a quiz you can take to help you find out what denomination or category of religious belief you are.  Not that I had any doubt that I am a Lutheran, and a pretty liberal one at that, but after taking this quiz, it really made me take a look at what I really BELIEVE, as in theology.

The quiz then told me (with a certainty of 100% )

“The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closelymatches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa. Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%) Also sometimes referred to as secular, modern, or humanistic. This is an umbrella term for Protestant denominations, or churches within denominations, that view the Bible as the witness of God rather than the word of God, to be interpreted in its historical context through critical analysis. Examples include some churches within Anglican/Episcopalian, Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian, and United Church of Christ. There are more than 2,000 Protestant denominations offering a wide range of beliefs from extremely liberal to mainline to ultra-conservative and those that include characteristics on both ends.  The Beliefs include:

•	Belief in Deity Trinity of the Father (God), the Son (Christ), and the Holy Spirit that comprises one God Almighty. Many believe God is incorporeal.
•	Incarnations Beliefs vary from the literal to the symbolic belief in Jesus Christ as God’s incarnation. Some believe we are all sons and daughters of God and that Christ was exemplary, but not God.
•	Origin of Universe and Life The Bible’s account is symbolic. God created and controls the processes that account for the universe and life (e.g. evolution), as continually revealed by modern science.
•	After Death Goodness will somehow be rewarded and evil punished after death, but what is most important is how you show your faith and conduct your life on earth.
•	Why Evil? Most do not believe that humanity inherited original sin from Adam and Eve or that Satan actually exists. Most believe that God is good and made people inherently good, but also with free will and imperfect nature, which leads some to immoral behavior.
•	Salvation Various beliefs: Some believe all will go to heaven, as God is loving and forgiving. Others believe salvation lies in doing good works and no harm to others, regardless of faith. Some believe baptism is important. Some believe the concept of salvation after death is symbolic or nonexistent.
•	Undeserved Suffering Most Liberal Christians do not believe that Satan causes suffering. Some believe suffering is part of God’s plan, will, or design, even if we don’t immediately understand it. Some don’t believe in any spiritual reasons for suffering, and most take a humanistic approach to helping those in need.
•	Contemporary Issues Most churches teach that abortion is morally wrong, but many ultimately support a woman’s right to choose, usually accompanied by policies to provide counseling on alternatives. Many are accepting of homosexuality and gay rights.”

I think these categories pretty much sum up what I believe.  So I think taking the quiz was beneficial, because it really got me thinking about how I want to live my life and what goals I want to work towards.  It also got me thinking about the political candidates that are out there now and their stands and positions on issues.  It might help me flesh out who I’m going to vote for in upcoming elections. 

So to take the quiz-called the

Belief-O-Matic — A personality quiz about your religious and spiritual beliefs

go to this link http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html 

and let me know what you think!

Here’s an example of one of the questions

1.	What is the number and nature of the deity (God, gods, higher power)? Choose one.
	Only one God–a corporeal spirit (has a body), supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.
	Only one God–an incorporeal (no body) spirit, supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.
	Multiple personal gods (or goddesses) regarded as facets of one God, and/or as separate gods.
	The supreme force is the impersonal Ultimate Reality (or life force, ultimate truth, cosmic order, absolute bliss, universal soul), which resides within and/or beyond all.
	The supreme existence is both the eternal, impersonal, formless Ultimate Reality, and personal God (or gods).
	No God or supreme force. Or not sure. Or not important.
	None of the above.

 

“The Lutheran Party”

I found the best new Lutheran website at: www.oldlutheran.com 

As part of their humor section there is an article about creating a “Lutheran” Party to add to the political mix.  Since we are mired in politics these days, I thought I’d reprint the article and let you all decide for yourselves.  Can you see it now… Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent and now… Lutheran party.  Hmmm?  

Enjoy!

“The Lutheran Party
by Eric Iverson
 

Two weeks ago I was idly browsing the personals, when I saw an ad for a Lutheran Party. Now I don’t normally respond to these things, but I couldn’t help noticing that I not only happened to be Lutheran, but was also a great lover of parties. It seemed like the perfect match, and so I wrote the following letter:

Dear People,
I was heartened and a bit surprised to see your ad for the Lutheran Party, as I was not aware that such a party existed. I am currently a Democrat, but after this latest election I guess I’m willing to try just about anything. To show my devotion to your cause I have drafted the following:

A POLITICAL PLATFORM FOR THE LUTHERAN PARTY

In many ways a political platform for the Lutheran Party goes against our grain. What with our motto “Anything worth changing is probably just as worth keeping the same” and all, a piece of paper with a bunch of big ideas on it just isn’t the way we do things. In fact, under a Lutheran Administration, about the only thing that might change is that we might get to that fence out back that needs a coat or two of paint (that is if we can decide on a color). Nevertheless, here are a few things we as the Lutheran Party could maybe think about doing.

PAN-SCANDINAVIANISM

Under a Lutheran Administration, all US residents would be declared legally Scandinavian (or at least slightly Germanic on their mother’s side). To signify this, residents would in addition take on a new Scandinavian name. In cases where the resident refuses to do this, an auxiliary pseudo-Scandinavianization will take place. This is a simple process wherein one or more “j’s” will be inserted in unlikely locations in the person’s first name, while a “son” or “stad” will be appended to the persons last name. For example, the following are good Scandinavian names:

Kjerstin Rustad
Hjalmar Andbjornson
Gjertrude Aslaksonwhile below we see the fruits of pseudo-Scandinavianization:BEFORE                               AFTERMiguel Hernandez                 Mjigjuel Hernandezson
Gina Cabrini                         Gjina Cabrinistad
Malcolm X                           Mjalcolm Xstad
Prince                                PjrincesonMind you this process can be dangerous in the hands of improperly trained personnel, so watch out:

John Jones                          Jjohjjkjjn Hjkjonestadson
ABBA                                  AAAABBABBABBB
Paul Hanson                         Isadora Lutz

 

BIG GOVERNMENT

Unlike its alphabetical predecessor, the Libertarian Party, the Lutheran Party does not favor a radical reduction in the size of the Federal Government. (Well I suppose you could reduce the size a little, but only if it’s not too much trouble.) Instead, the Lutheran Party advocates increasing the size of the Federally Governed. This can be accomplished through a national diet filled with white sauce, granulated sugar, butter and of course hot dish. After all “yew can’t have a big strong government if yew aren’t big and strong yerself.”

CURRENCY REGULATIONS

In order to pay back the federal deficit, new sources of funding must be found. One way is to restructure the US currency system in a manner more in keeping with the traditional pioneer values that made this country great. In this spirit, the Lutheran Party recommends that the new value of the US dollar be based on that of sod. This would not only immortalize the numerous sod homes that once dotted the Prairie, but would also act as an incentive for people to keep their lawns properly cared for so as to protect their investment. We also propose that new coins bearing the likenesses of long dead Danish and Norwegian Kings actually be made of sod; as the sod’s natural mottled green color would most likely better represent these Kings’ natural appearance.

THE ENVIRONMENT

One of the Lutheran Party’s prime environmental goals is to inform the country that Lutefisk is actually not a toxic waste, and can in fact be eaten. In order to do this, we propose creating a new character: LeRoy the Lutefisk who will resemble a talking cod soaked in lye (actually a cartoon cod soaked in cartoon lye) and will say things like “Give a hoot, eat yer Lute” or “Der’s no risk in Lutefisk”. If this doesn’t work, our new president will begin making speeches at Rotary Club gatherings about how Lutefisk tastes even better than sod. (See Currency Regulations.)

DEFENSE

“I tot I tode yew I’d paint de fense in da spring! Can’t yew see it’s still vinter?”

In common word and sacrament,

Eric Iverson”

As of today my brother B. has been deployed for 6 days

It’s Lutheran Humor Again

Thanks to all of you who enjoy the Lutheran humor that I’ve been providing.  I’d like to think that I can find the great jokes about being a good Lutheran.  I’ve found some jokes that I’ve seen someplace else, so enjoy!

 A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, “Shall We Gather at the River.”

Do you know the definition of the word “Bible”? Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

After church Ole said to the pastor, “Nice sermon there pastor, but I noticed you mentioned St. Paul several times but you never mentioned Minneapolis.”
http://www.lutheransonline.com/lutheransonline/games/?wssrc=enews080807e

Today my brother B. had been deployed for 3 days.

Garrison Keillor

I found this reprint of part of one of Keillor’s books online and it thought that it is so appropriate and true that I had to post it .   Enjoy! 

SINGING WITH THE LUTHERANSBy Garrison Keillor

I have made fun of Lutherans for years – who wouldn’t, if you lived in Minnesota?

 But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet corn.  We make fun of Lutherans for the blandness, their excess calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed and also their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese.  But nobody sings like them. If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively Lutheranless place, to sing the chorus of Michael Row the Boat Ashore, they will look daggers at you as if you had asked to strip to their underwear.  But if you this among Lutherans they’ll smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the Road!

Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony.  It’s a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person’s rib cage. It’s natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony.  I do believe this:  People, these Lutherans, who love to sing in four-part harmony, are the sort of people you could call up when you’re in deep distress. If you’re dying, they’ll comfort you.  If you’re lonely, they’ll talk to you.  And if you’re hungry, they’ll give you tuna salad!

If you laughed while reading this you must be a Lutheran.

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw and heard:

• Lutherans believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.
• Lutherans like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
• Lutherans believe their pastors will visit then in the hospital, even if they don’t notify them that they are there.
• Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
• Lutherans believe in miracles and even accept miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
• Lutherans feel that applauding for their children’s choirs would make the kids too proud and conceited.
• Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.
• Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
• Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.
• Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
• Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
• Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.
• Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper Liturgical color of the season and think that peas in tuna noodle casserole adds too much color.
• Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know when you’re a Lutheran when:

• Its 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
• You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can!
• Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
• The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.
• All your relatives graduated from a school name Concordia.
• When you watch a “Star Wars” movie and they say, May the Force be with you, you respond, “And also with you.”
• You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN. And lastly it takes ten minutes to say good-bye.

More Lutheran Jokes

It seems like all you out there who are reading my blog really like the Lutheran jokes.  One characteristic about being a good Lutheran is that you really do have a good sense of humor about yourself and about life.  To satisfy the thirst for the jokes, I’ll try and end my blogs with a little bit of humor.

 Tomorrow my best friend from college, S. is having a planned c-section because her little girl is in the breach position.  This little one is the first of MANY births that are happening in the next year for friends of mine.  I couldn’t be more excited for S. and her husband.

You might be a Lutheran if…

…you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.

…you didn’t know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.

…when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.

…during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.

…during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday.

…rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guest book.

…you think Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.

…you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.

…a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.

…you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.

…the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.

…you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they’re not so messy then.

…you don’t make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it’s impolite.

…your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.

…you don’t know what was sooo funny about dat movie “Fargo” then.

…in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.

…you think a meeting isn’t legitimate unless it’s at least three hours long.

…peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.

…you make change in the offering plate for a ten.

…your dad’s name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.

…you think butter is a spice.

…the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.

…you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.

…you know what a “dead spread” is.

…you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.

…you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter “j” as the second letter.

…the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.

…Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.

…you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.

…you give a party and don’t tell anyone where it is.

…you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.

many thanks to www.suite101.com/article.cfm/lutheranism/35195 for those jokes

Lutheran Jokes

The following Lutheran jokes cames from the website:

 http://www.lutheransonline.com/lutheransonline/games/?wssrc=enews080807e

Your 10 favorite “You Know You’re Lutheran When…” jokes have been determined.

You know you’re Lutheran when…
10. The only meal time prayer you know is “Come Lord Jesus”.
9. All of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom.
8. They have to rope off the last few pews in church so the front isn’t empty.
7. A midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
6. You can’t imagine a celebration without food.
5. While wathing Star Wars you hear “May the force be with you” and you reply “And also with you”.
4. At potlucks all the men have tableware and napkins in their shirt pockets so their full plates are easier to carry.
3. You are at a funeral of a family member who is Catholic, and you are the only one who says “for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen.” after everyone else is done.
2. You sing “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus” while sitting down.
1. You arrive in church and start having a panic attack because someone else is sitting in your pew.

 Too True