Lutheran Humor is back!

I haven’t done any Lutheran humor in a while, and I found this little ditty about Martin Luther.  It makes me think about those first readers that I read after I learned my first words, where the sentences build on the first words you learn.  But beware of the puns.

A Lutheran Primer

by Les “Gutenberg” Stahlke
In the Lutheran Comedy Classic: “Martin Luther’s Last Surviving Classmate”

Look!
Look and see!
See Luther run!
Run, Luther, run!
Luther ran!
Oh, oh!
It is raining!
It is pouring!
See the lightning!
Hear the thunder!
See Luther get scared!
See Luther hide under that big tree!
See Luther pray to St. Anne.
“If you save me,” prayed Luther, “I will become a monk, okay?”
“That’s okay with me,” said St. Anne, “but if you don’t get out from under
that tree, you will be a friar!”

Oh, oh!
See the lightning hit the tree!
See the tree get rent asunder!
“Ach! Yammer!” said Luther.
See Luther clearly define Law and Gospel.
See Luther go to a monastery.
See Luther learn that indulgences are wrong.
“Wholly unnecessary, Batman,” said Luther.
See Luther write 95 Theses.
See Luther nail the Theses to the church door.
See Luther bang his hammer.
Bang your hammer, Luther, bang your hammer.
See Luther bang the wrong nail. “Uff dah!” said Luther.

Oh, oh!
Now the Pope is mad.
See the Pope send Luther an angry letter.
It is a Papal Bull.
“That is a lot of bull,” said Luther.
See Luther barbecue the Pope’s Bull.
“You burned my Bull,” said the Pope.
Now you will have to go to a Diet of Worms.
(A Diet is a long synodical convention with no meals.)

Oh, oh!
See King Charles tell Luther to shut up.
“I can’t,” said Luther.
“Then recant,” said King Charles.
“I can’t recant,” said Luther.
“Then go start the Missouri Synod!” said King Charles.
“Oh, goody,” said Luther, “now I can get married.”
See Luther look for a wife.
See Luther find nun.
See Luther and Kitty get married.
See Kitty get morning sickness.
“What does this mean?” said Luther.
“We shall have a little Lutheran soon,” said Kitty.
“Is this true,” said Luther, “or are you just ribbing me?”
Kitty said, “This is most certainly true.”

What to do with California?

I’m watching CNN live, and the courts have upheld Prop.8, which bans same sex marriage.  If there is any light in the tunnel, the 18,000 marriages that did take place last fall in California are still legal.  I’m thrilled for my friends Jason and Chris that their marriage is still valid ! 

I just want to say that I am very sad!  I think this is no longer an issue of whether or not same sex marriages are Biblically correct, but that they are a civil rights issue.  I believe that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, gay, straight, able, disabled, of every race, color, creed, and religion (I think that just about covers it !) should have the same rights, opportunities and laws to support them in their legal and equal right to get married.  And I am proud to say that I live in the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which recognizes that this is an equal rights issue, and was one of the first states to legalize same sex marriages.  Maybe living in Massachusetts gives me a different perspective, I don’t know, but it still saddens me about California.

The Nativity Story According to Luke

On this Christmas Eve, with the snow all around in Massachusetts, I remember that it’s because of a tiny baby in a warm far away land that I should remember tonight.  I’m also thinking of all of the people around the world who, like that small baby, are in need of a place to sleep, or are in need of food or medicine.   Things I take for granted.  I am also thinking of the people who are living in places and situations of violence or inequality, and people who are trying to bring peace through out the world.  May 2009 be a year of healing for our world!

 

Luke 2 (New International Version)

The Birth of Jesus

 1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register. 4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels

 8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
 14“Glory to God in the highest,
      and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

 15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

 16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

The God Box

I don’t usually respond to e-mail forwards, but this one, which came from my friend Sarah, hit me right in the heart, because it was exactly what I needed to hear right now, so I’m going to share it with all of you!  Since it came from an e-mail I don’t know who the author is, but whoever wrote it…thanks.

To:  YOU
Date:  TODAY
From:  GOD
Subject:  YOURSELF
Reference:  LIFE

This is God.  Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.  I do Not need your help.  So, have a nice day.   I love you.. 

P.S.  And, remember…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!  Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.  I will get to it in MY TIME.  All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.  

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. 

Now, you have a nice day.

God

The “seven dirty words”

Growing up in Milwaukee, and having the pseudo Aunts and Uncles that I had (lawyers, politicians, professors, you know those educated kind of people who had stuffy day jobs, but really knew how to party on the weekends.  Just to clarify, nothing illegal ever happened.  My parents and their friends were great role models!  )  Growing up  knowing that George Carlin (who just died) was arrested at Summerfest in Milwaukee in the early 1970’s for “disturbing the peace” when he said the “seven dirty words that you can’t say on television.”  Now this infamous arrest was widely talked about in later years with quite amusement, but I have to say that I never really asked what the seven dirty words were.  Until today, when the news programs reminded me of Carlin’s arrest in Milwaukee and the “words.”  So I googled George Carlin, and “seven dirty words you can’t say on television.”  and wouldn’t you know that Wikipedia actually lists the words.  I’m not going to post them here, nor am I going to post a link, but I have just told you how to find the words.  I thought carefully about this and because I teach my Sunday School kids the 10 Commandments, and the kids decided years ago that the commandment that says “You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God” (NRSV) also means in today’s times that we should not swear.  I am not going to swear, so find the dirty words yourself, and George Carlin rest in peace and thanks for the laughs!

The Bible in a whole different light

I’ve been trying to read my Bible everyday, and some days I want to try different translations even.  Luckily, I have a huge collection of Bibles that I’ve received from various family members so if I want to read the old English, I’ll pull out my King James version.  But all of this aside, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the computer and finding different ways to access the Bible from the internet.  I can download audio podcasts, read the bible online, or my favorite, see the Bible through pictures.

Yes pictures, but not just any pictures.  The Bible verses are portrayed through LEGO people and lego sets.  It is one of the most hysterically funny sites I’ve seen lately.  (When a battle is portrayed, there are clear red little lego squares put on the ground to represent blood.  Very Creative.)  They use a lot of the old Star Trek kits and people, so it’s fun to guess what sets are in use.  But they really do capture the spiritual message of the Bible in a very entertaining mans The Brick Testament.  ner.  The site is called The Brick Testament.  And here is the website you can click on to go directly to it: The Brick Testament.

“I believe…”

When I hear those two words two very distinct and VERY different images run through my head.

1) The Apostles Creed, said in my church every Sunday (except when we say one of the other creeds.)  The Apostles Creed basically lays out what we, as Christians, believe in.  So when I hear “I believe,” I think of the things that I believe in my heart as a way for me to live my life.

Here is the version that the ELCA Lutherans use:

The Apostles’ Creed

I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended to the dead.* On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.  Amen.

*or “he descended into hell,” another translation of this text in widespread use.

2) The second thing that I think of when I hear “I believe” is Larry the Cable Guy and the rest of the Blue Collar Comedy Gang.  Except that you have to say it a little bit different.  Say it “Ah-eye, bl-eve..” and follow it up with something like what Ron White said “[I believe] if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find someone who’s life has given them Vodka and have a party.”  (I love that one!!!)  To watch the full “I believe” here it is from youtube.

Okay, but what got me on the “I believe” tangent?  Well, I woke up extra early today (a Saturday) and was watching the Saturday Today Show on NBC, and they did a segment on the fact that in South Carolina, you can now buy a licence plate with a cross on the left side of it, and under the numbers it says “I believe.”  Now I want to share my faith with others, but I want to do it on a personal one-on -one level, not because I can show it off on my car.  (I also don’t have any decals on my car.)  I’m also thinking that I’m a hypocrite, because I had a yellow magnetic ribbon on the trunk of my car that said “Support our troops.”  Because I have family and friends in the military.  I guess I didn’t have any problem wanting to show my public support for the troops, but why don’t I want to show my faith???  To see the plate click here. 

Prayer Shawl

After a horrible day yesterday.  (In addition to having one of my back teeth break in two (I think I swallowed the half that broke off! And of course it’s a holiday weekend so I can’t see a dentist until Tuesday) I cut my left thumb while cutting up a tomato for a sandwich and it still hurts!)  I decided that making it to church had to be a top priority today.  We started on our summer schedule, which is one service at 9am, which I absolutely love.  I can get up for 9am.  8 not so much, and the 10 service goes on and on and I sometimes don’t leave until noon, so this 9am is great.

Unfortunately the father of our Associate Pastor/Minister of Music had a stroke this week and Pastor Pat is with her family (prayers for the Potter family please.)  So we got a treat today.  Our regular Pastor, Pastor Julie played the organ and her husband, also a Pastor, Pastor Hans filled in as the presiding minister.  Pastor Hans delivered a great sermon on God always being there for us and that we don’t need to worry so much.  I almost started to cry a couple of times, especially when he talked about being sick and worrying about getting better.

After the service, Pastor Julie said that she had something for me.  My mom (who also goes to the same church as I do) and I went to Pastor Julie’s office and Pastor Julie gave me this absolutely beautiful handmade knitted shawl.  We have this wonderful ministry at Immanuel.  Many people get together and knit these prayer shawls for people in the church and the community who are going through tough (and also good like marriage) times.  The church has been praying for me and they wanted to give me something tangible to remind me that I am not alone.  I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry and was at a loss for words (which for me is a shocker!)  Pastor Julie said that each shawl ends up having some special meaning between the knitters and the recipient.  When I unfolded the shawl, I immediately noticed the colors, the two outer panels are gray and the middle panel is red.  The colors of my hometown in Wisconsin.  In high school we were the gray hounds and our colors were red and gray.  I said this to Pastor Julie, and she said she was getting goosebumps, and one of the knitters who had joined us, heard this as well and Sandy got goosebumps.  It’s an incredible link.  No one here in Massachusetts could know the importance of red and gray in my life… except God. 

For those of you who have doubts about the existence of God, this could not be a cosmic coincidence.  Or luck of the draw.  It is God and I am so thankful.

Here is a picture of my prayer shawl.

Here is the prayer that came with it.  By Sandy Mann May 2006

“Prayer for Healing

Guided by God’s love for us, this shawl is knit for you.

Healing, strength and peace, to bless upon your spirit true.

Wrap yourself in warmth and love, entwined in every stitch.

Prayers said to God above, please heal, mend and enrich.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit, intoned throughout the shawl.

Triune blessings knit within it, best wishes from us all.”

Pennsylvania Politics

Either David Gergen or Paul Begala (Democratic strategists, I can’t remember which one) made a very interesting comment tonight on CNN that the longer this primary season for the Democrats goes on, the more likely it would be that whoever wins the nomination (Clinton or Obama), would have to pick the other for the Vice President in order to “heal the party.”  I don’t know if I agree with that comment, but I know that I am ready for the primaries to be over and for the general election campaign to begin.  I want to hear about the ISSUES!  Here is a list of 10 issues for the candidates that are important to me that I want answered (not in any particular order, and I’ve probably left some off.)

1) How are we going to get health care for everyone (like we have in the state of Massachusetts) and how is it going to be paid for?

2) What is the plan for obtaining a long lasting peace in the Middle East (from Iraq to Iran to Palestine and Israel and the Holy Lands, etc?)

3) What is the policy going to be for scientific research.  Including stem cell research, funding for new medications, funding for research on diseases?

4) What will the policy be on women’s reproductive rights? 

5) What will the policy be on the environment, especially renewable energy, and reducing the dependence on oil?

6) What will the policy be on reducing the number of people going hungry through out the world?

7) What will the policy be towards the nations that have massive debts, and have people suffering from hunger, poverty, HIV/AIDS, curable diseases, unclean drinking water, etc?

8 ) What will the policy be to bridge the gap between the classes in America?  How can bridges be built between the races, genders, economic statuses, etc?

9) What will the policy towards literacy for all children be?

And finally…..

10) Can we finally get a national anthem that is singable and really has a lot of meaning.  (I mean the War of 1812, come on?)  I’m suggesting “America the Beautiful.”  I know that it refers to God, but it really captures the spirit of America!

New Years Prayer

I found this beautiful New Years Prayer

Prayer for the New Year
Grant me the strength from day to day
To bear what burdens come my way.
Grant me throughout this bright New Year
More to endure and less to fear.
Help me live that I may be
From spite and petty malice free.

Let me not bitterly complain
When cherished hopes of mine prove vain,
Or spoil with deeds of hate and rage
Some fair tomorrow’s spotless page.
Lord, as the days shall come and go
In courage let me stronger grow.

…

Lord, as the New Year dawns today
Help me to put my faults away.
Let me be big in little things;
Grant me the joy which friendship brings.
Keep me from selfishness and spite;
Let me be wise in what is right.

A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye.
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I’ve played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.

- Edgar A. Guest